April 19th, 2024
(21 Days: 05 Hours: 32 Minutes Continued)
So, I was reading the site Fromawildflower.com like every day after I found it on Twitter after someone, I was following at the time retweeted it. I loved all their stories, even the ones I couldn't relate to like dating, and sex. I loved everything about it and loved it more when I could relate like dating and sex LOL. But I don't remember what the mood of the day was like or what was happening when I think I commented on a @fromawildflower tweet and said I wish I could write, or I was inspired to write or something like that and the owner of the site wrote back and said "Why don't you pitch? We would love to read it." or something like that. I flipped TF out like ME!? See this why I should have just shut TF up cause now she wants me to write something!? So I went through all the emotions, mostly fear, panic, and disbelief for like a good minute. Then I took some deep breaths and replied that I would think about it.
Again, I don't know what was in the air that day, but I gathered myself again after responding and said do I really want to do this, can I do this, how am I going to do this, what if I am not good enough? But then a few minutes later I came to the realization like f*ck it. She told me to pitch, I love writing, this is my chance to see if I really am good enough to be the writer I dream of. Now mind you I am a sophomore in college at the time, a small ass college too, in a town most people haven't heard of. But I'm alone in my nice dorm room (The campus was small but nice, loved it there but didn't realize it until I was gone.) and I decide I am going to write something and pitch it. What am I going to write? I was like maybe I can use some of the old stuff I've written and like edit it and just make it better. Looked through my several journals and realized those things were not going to work. What can I write about? Damn maybe I can't do this. Let me try to write. About what? Just start writing. I have an idea.
So, I was young, in college, newly social, for the first time in my life making girl friends, and guy friends, and also having a thing with a guy. Don't know what he had did to me that day, the day before or the week before but I was thinking let me just write about him. It was supposed to be positive at first like cute shit. I took this quote aka "poem" he sent me on my birthday. I put it at the top of a blank Word document, and I let everything flow until I was eventually writing and crying at the same damn time. I was like why TF am I crying? Let me take a break but no, I want to finish this. This is good. And I fought my way through writing one of the most beautiful, and honest (to me) things I have ever written. After I was done, I did my best trying to go through and edit it but then I couldn't hold on to it. I was an emotional mess like let me send this to this woman and be done with it! I literally had to get rid of it. Like get it away from me! And I couldn't hold it for a day due to the emotions about what I had written but also fear about it not being good enough and hesitation about sending it at all. I sent it maybe hours after I had written it. And I left it alone.
Until one day I got an email saying, "Your pitch went live last month." (Yes, I still have that email). I said oh my gosh! I ran to go look and read the most beautiful thing ever and I was so proud of myself, and I loved it and just... It was one of the best feelings in my life at the time. But then when I thought about why I cried writing it. It was for several reasons, yes, I was sharing more than I had ever shared potentially with the world, yes, I was emotional about writing about my honest experience, and yes, I realized the underlaying darkness at the same time in my story as I was writing it. It was not all beautiful and I had to be honest about that.
Now I ten years later I accept it. I've always accepted it I feel because that's why I was crying as I wrote it. But the event of writing that and having it published and shared with others on top of the beauty of what I wrote is so special to me that every year I still celebrate this day. April 19th is my own personal anniversary and I share my From a Wildflower story, "Stay Cocooned or Keep My Heart Protected." I will never stop loving what I accomplished personally with that. So, while that's that I also came to want to stop just celebrating something that's just aging as the years pass. I wanted to have another new accomplishment or special something to celebrate on the day of April 19th, not just that one memory from so long ago. And that is why I wanted to launch my business on Friday, April 19th, 2024.
Today is Friday, April 19th, 2024, and I am not launching my business today though that would have been great, and I wanted to believe in it, and I prayed for it but things in my personal life were not aligned with this. Long story short, I lived next to a Goodwill for years, they have a career center inside and I would go there on and off trying to find a job, but it never really helped. I always felt like I was too advanced or qualified for their career fairs, or it was just not jobs that I wanted to do but I always went. A couple years ago I saw a sign about a business class. I asked about it I think it hadn't started yet. I asked about it and it had started already. I wanted to do it, but I was working. I wanted to do it, but I was moving either to a new city or out of state. So many times, so many things got in the way of me signing up for this business class. Until last year. I went and saw the sign advertising "We will help you start a business with this class." I asked about it and turns out I was the first person to sign up in the summer of 2023.
Alright this is getting long again though I am loving it here. This part 2 is to be continued.