So, remember a while ago when I said I was about to go through a transition in life. Well, I guess I am going through that transition.
My job ended on Monday, July 15th, 2024 after a year of service and on the same day I moved out of the apartment that I had just moved into 2 months prior to my job ending. And I knew my job was ending and I was ready for it, and I knew I had to move out of my apartment that I was sub-sub-letting and I was ready for that too. But then knowing me am I ever really ready? The answer is no.
I started applying to some of my first big girl jobs after adding the mark to my resume that I thought I needed. I even got so far as a second interview and spending over $500 to fly to the location to interview since I don’t drive/have a car. But I was trying to have faith you know like if I get this job (I better get this job) it’ll all be worth it. I didn’t get the job. It wasn’t worth it.
So where am I now? Jobless and back living somewhere I don’t want to be. Back somewhere where I have continuously worked so hard over and over to escape from so what’s next? I’m still looking for my next work opportunity that is not going to leave me empty like all the others? I wish I could just start my business but in order to do that I need my own place, or even just a suitable place where I could register it as my business address and get the last form, I need for my business to be official ‘fical. My Business Occupation Tax Application. If nothing else this business is going to be done right and legal I know that but still in the midst of waiting to find the right job and be able to start my business that will then allow me to leave my job, what next?
Obviously, the answer is for me to start working on editing, doing as second draft or whatever is the next stage of the process for a book that you wrote twelve years ago as a teenager in high school. My reasoning, it’s free! I can write this book, self-publish it, sell it and make money without all the extra hassle. Right? Reason number two. It’s book one of what’s supposed to be a series. HOW IS IT GOING TO BE A SERIES IF I DON’T FINISH THE FIRST BOOK AND ACTUALLY PUT IT OUT!?
So now while my life is once again uncertain, and I am not trying to figure out what I want but rather how to actually get it. I don’t believe all that “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be'' crap. Because for the life of me I’ve always known I was never where I was supposed to be. I was just placed there by the Giver of Life and just supposed to figure it out like a normal person, I guess. But then see the problem with that is I’m not a normal person. I am not the smartest person to where my own intelligence can save me. I am not the nicest person to where I can network my way to the top. And you can probably outwork me, not that I’m lazy at all but I just realize that I don’t want what other people want. What I want and need from life is so much more complex than the average person can understand. And sometimes I feel like it’s more than I can give to myself because I just can’t seem to figure out how.
How in the world do I create this dream life that consists of me taking now ten years (#MSMHMH 5 to 7) to reclaim my time and spirit and energy and peace that life has taken from me. I dream of shutting out the world and sabbatical, retirement, covenant, or whatever fancy word you want to call it. I just want to heal. And learn, and nurture, and grow the little that lives inside of me and that I still feel like even at the age of thirty. That’s a whole other post but I have always known that I needed this period of time and space to myself that I just can’t seem to reach. Now matter what I have done, it has escaped me, and maybe ultimately, it’s success that’s escaping me, which is then all still tied to the little girl inside of me.
Yes, I need therapy. No, I am not even going to try to unpack that here, but I started back working on this book I wrote when I was a younger girl and I’ve come to know that that is what I want. I’ve always wanted to be an author and kind of wanted to be an entrepreneur too but now I know I want to be an entrepreneur too. I’ve always wanted to make my own way and live my own life. So now it’s just trying to figure out how to do that. How do I find the strength to finish this book and see it all the way through no matter how many stages are left in the process? How do I really redefine what I want my business to be all in the midst of trying to get through this “transition” period of my life? Is it even really a transition if I’m just back where I started? If I was Sway, this is me not having the answers.