I hesitated in getting up this morning and I rarely ever do that. It wasn’t long but it was a couple minutes past my alarm ringing that I only finally got up because if I didn’t I could have easily went back to sleep and then only had like 30 minutes after my next alarm to get ready for work. It’s been a long week though and my last few weekends have been busy so this weekend I’m really looking forward to not doing anything at all. I just checked to make sure I have enough clean clothes to get through next week because I’m not even trying to wash clothes it’s that serious. I’m tired. I don’t really want to deal with anything or anyone. I’m not in the mood. I once again see things for what they are as I can admit that I had gotten distracted over the last few months.
Distracted or defeated? I recently realized that I only have 6 more months at this job and that’s really not a lot of time in terms of all the things I have to do to prepare for the transition out and hopefully my retirement from this type of role/work. But then this business has been having me stressing. This one little piece of paper work holding me up so I pivoted to focusing on my book and then I kinda just stopped because I’m waiting on so many things. However, yesterday I feel like I finally got enough answers to be able to move forward, start and go from there. I’m determined to refocus. Figuring out my finances and making due with my pay. Juggling my job and the people and all the things that come with that. Trying to take care of my health. Navigating the challenges of everyday life as best as I can.
Eating Cheez It as I write this and they’re so good. But I need to find a way to relax more. I haven’t been posting on social media for my business like I usually do because I needed a break from that. I have a list of things to say and do as far as posting goes but I don’t feel like it. I bought some new books I’m working through but I don’t know if it’s the current book or me because I haven't been excited to pick it up recently. I’ve been trying not to watch a lot of tv and movies on streaming because they just bore me which is the reason why I decided to splurge (not really) on new books in the first place. I’m supposed to be going to a concert near the end of this month and I’m excited for that and also need to make sure that I actually do go. Not just because I spent my money but because I’ve been wanting something to do and now I have it.
I’ve always prioritized getting my life together over anything such as having fun, going out, etc. and anyone whether it be family, making friends, or dating. And how has that worked out for me? *Insert crying laughing emoji here* Oh, and before I forget, how could I forget that I’m turning 31 next month? Festivities, family holidays, new years, and then there’s me. It’s my turn with my birthday. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. I’m not where I want to be in life. Not even close. I’m not who I want to be. I’m not doing what I want to do, etc. though a recent tragedy did help me to realize that this, my current what, when, where, who, how is not what I would ultimately want to be at the end of my life. Like this is not my final state. This is not it. There’s so much more that I want and I would be highly upset if this was it. I haven’t dealt with death in a long time but it doesn’t even have to be personal, when it’s someone that you saw almost everyday and grew to form feelings, facts, opinions about then that does shake you a little bit. It at least makes you think because if not then who are you?
I’m also awaken by the reality that other people my age and whose birthdays are before mine are celebrating their lives and loving where they are as they’re able to say look how far I’ve come. And I love that for them. I love them. I wish them all the best but at the same time it makes me realize that damn I’m really not doing this right? Or better yet wondering how are they doing this? That’s always been my question. How are other people navigating life so easily and effortlessly it seems? I know not to compare and all of that and I don’t. At least not negatively but I have to know, how can I do this better? How can I be better? How can I be happy too and get what I want out of life? I know I work hard. I know I’m smart. I know I’m kind so what’s the hold up? Maybe I just need to keep working on it because that’s really all I can do. And I pray my time, effort, energy, not be in vain. May 31 years of life look different for me than it even does today. May this time next year be a total transformation for the better so that I too can say look how far I have come. And if I can turn this around then I will not only believe that I can do anything but that everyone else can too but first I have to see it for myself. I’m working on it and I refuse to give up.
I didn’t always know the life that I wanted for myself but now I do. I definitely do not want to settle for anything in this life nor do I even want to just choose because that implies that I am limited somehow. I want it all and so I would much rather create, design, and align everything I want to see in my world physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. I deserve to dictate who and what comes and goes and how as much as is humanly possible. I deserve to determine what I take in and give out as far as energy and life forces go. I know I don’t have to put up with just any old thing and so I refuse to. I choose peace. I choose ease. I choose me and I want my life to reflect that in this present moment as well as one day when I have to look back at it in the past tense. I want to be able to say I am proud of myself and grateful for it all because it all worked out the way that it was supposed to, which is ultimately for my best. Perfectly orchestrated to all be in my favor. I see things differently again. I am refocused now.