Today, Monday July 8th, 2024 marks exactly one week until my job and my temporary apartment lease ends. Everything ends on the same day. I didn’t set the terms but I can clearly see how it could be the chance to cut all ties and have a fresh start. And that’s my dream.
I don’t know why it’s shocking that here we go again. For the past sixty three days I guess everything was all good because I lived close enough to walk to work in less than five minutes meaning I no longer had to endure the poverty and germs that is the city bus. And I had a job, I was getting paid, I lived alone once again. I had the space I wanted once more. I mean that’s good right. I could only go up from here?
I’ve always been different and I haven’t gotten any better at it. Through thirty years of life and this one has been…the same pattern of unconscious detachment and delusion? This year I once again had the chance to have a good “job.” One that was going to take me to the next level because I added a prestigious name to my resume that was at least going to allow me to get my foot into the door. And from there I would have a world of possibilities to do something that I think I wanna do? You know how everyone has these ideas of what a good job is? I thought I had finally found it like this is something that I could possibly do everyday for the rest of my life. I mean it’s secure and I make a lot of money plus I love the environment. It’s familiar. And so I got the job, really a role and I just went with it every day no matter what was going on at home (I started off back living with my mom, then my mom and her man, then my mom and my brother, then my mom and a different man) and it was a lot going on that almost jeopardized this opportunity right from the beginning. As much as I downplay it now I also can see it for the opportunity that it is. I mean I had a couple official interviews with this added to my resume. But as always, is this it for me? Can I really happily do this professional field for the rest of my life?
See I’m not afraid to admit that I have trouble being happy. I don’t know what it is. I mean there’s no like diagnosis or anything, but what would the diagnosis be for having grown up in drama, trauma, and chaos fighting for my life to the point where I find myself thirty years old, still fighting. I do realize the ways that I have at first intentionally as a little girl and then I did it for so long that it’s become subconscious in the woman I can’t see myself as. That’s a lot to unpack and I ain’t been to therapy yet but I’m aware. I’ve never aimed to fit in or make friends or even cared about other people that much to give anything outside of me and how I am going to make it through my life the time of day. With so much hyper focus on myself you would think that I would have turned out another way. A different success story where the little girl becomes a highly educated, successful, wealthy, philanthropist boss lady. Yet that’s not me.
I did however take a business class this year. And for that I am so glad, so grateful, so thankful because it opened my world up even more to see things that I have been saying I wanted for a long time (since being a junior in highschool, 2011) start to become somewhat of a possibility and a little more real. So now when I am at a crossroads once again in my life and I am about to make another transition, what’s really next? What’s really for me? And most importantly how do I get there? I’ve always considered myself creative. I love music bad but I can’t sing or dance. Art class has always been my second favorite subject after English/Language Arts but I’m no artist. Writing has always been the closest thing to me as far as self expression and creativity. I know I’m not the best at that either but after an interior designer and a real estate agent I wanted to be an author. And after a community services specialist because I got into psychology and helping people then I wanted to be an entrepreneur for some reason I don’t remember. All of which has only been taken very lightly until these last couple of years.
I have failed and failed again over and over. I have built and lost, made and spent money, put things together and watched them fall apart. I have worked so hard and been so resilient to take a few steps forward only to be back handed slapped down by life. All because ultimately I don’t have some grand vision of what I want from life. I don’t have the dreams that other people have. There’s no professional field, status, or title that I have been dreaming of since I was a kid. I don’t dream of marriage or kids in alignment with those whose dream is family life. The closest I have come to a dream is being a real estate agent because I desperately wanted my own home and life as a kid. And being an author and entrepreneur because of writing being the closest thing that I am good at and I don’t know I just always knew I didn’t fit in so I’ve always wanted freedom. That’s the life and purpose that I dream of.
What does that have to do with where I am at now, a week away from my job and lease ending? Basically, I just came here to say I’m tired. And I know I could have started with that but we here. I’ve never in my life wanted to move around as much as I have. I mean I was a little girl who literally just wanted a ranch style home of her own so how have I never lived happily somewhere for more than a year? Why is my life lived in such short increments to where I am constantly in and out of these environments whatever the situation is. I don’t have time to meet anybody and make friends like I got somewhere to be. As stated before I am always focused on myself and doing what I got to do yet I get to the end and I still find myself lost with no real plan, advantage, or anything to show for the year of my life that I just spent. And at thirty if you didn’t before, you really start to realize like aight time. It’s running out. People my age are in their career when I could have been in mine but I quit. People are married with kids and I am avoiding others because yes I fear heartbreak and hurt that bad. People have their things together, their comfortable apartment, jobs, relationships, etc. Just stability that I overall do not have and that’s not anything against them I just wonder where’s mine?
My family is not even on the same path that I’m on. I’ve always known that I wanted to be separate from them and even as me and my sibling have become adults the trip taking, marriage, and kids life is not what I want. I want the stability, freedom, and independence that a few of them have, but other than that it’s completely different. After failing so many times, looking for a way to live happily and be okay, remembering, rediscovering entrepreneurship, and being so inspired by all the black women who are out here leading the way. I’ve started to feel like that’s it. That’s what I want. That is my purpose and passion in this life. That is my way to the creativity, freedom, and stability I have been searching my whole life for. Now I know the reputation entrepreneurship gets like I know it’s not la la land like some to these content creators and influencers make it seem but if I’m struggling with these jobs that keep moving me forward and backwards, on and off then why not try to do something that I actually enjoy researching, studying, and building?
So that’s where I am at. Another crossroads in my life and I feel like this could be a really big turning point for the better, God willing. I am done with temporary situations whether it be these jobs, living situations, or just being up and down as far as my happiness, my peace, and how inspired or motivated I am to live this life. I know every time I talk, tweet, or post it’s like somethings wrong or I’m never happy but another thing I’ve always wanted to be in this life is real and authentic even in the age of social media filters and reels. I am inspired to even dream of being an author and entrepreneur because virtually I have found women who I love and adore who aren’t perfect or didn’t take the traditional route to the beautiful, peaceful, healing lives they have created for themselves. And out of anything anybody else on this earth got, that is what I want for myself. That’s all the little girl in me who used to collect real estate books ever wanted. The freedom to create the life of her dreams. A life she and I love living. And I hope that my time is now. I hope that the stars are aligning for me even as I speak this. I know I am going to have to be more intentional in the work I do for this dream but I am ready for all of that. This is my version of thirty that is not glitz and glam but prayer, therapy (coming), solitude, and stillness. I can’t wait. I am so excited to transform.