Lately I have been slacking on posting for social media in order to build an audience for my business and book. I guess because it doesn’t feel like that. Professionally my followers across most platforms is still in the 10’s, if even that but it’s authentic because it’s not far from my personal social media statistics. I’m just not a social media person. All of the profiles that I started as a teen were mostly just created for my own escape and venting of the loud thoughts in my head. And now having to be purposeful about it just doesn’t feel right. Quite honestly it sucks. Personally too. I’ve never cared about others and I still don’t but these days the sites are even losing their entertainment appeal. I’m either there because I have to be or because I have no where else to go.
I’ve also been slacking, taking a break, or whatever you want to call it from my business in order to focus on self publishing this book Poems About Me / Songs About You. And excluding the writing of the book working on this project is the hardest entrepreneurial thing I’ve done so far. Like Ingram Sparks sucks and what even is the point of the build your book tool when I get to the end after retyping a hundred something pages only to be told oh no you’re files are still incorrect and therefore cannot be published. I don’t get it like at all. WHAT WAS THE REASON!? So I’ve been working on that but it’s been stressful. And I’m almost a month past my release date and so far $182.35 into paying someone on Fiver to do update all my files to meet whatever ridiculous guidelines Ingram Spark has for publishing. Like why is it a publishing site if it doesn’t publish??? I don’t know.
Work is work. My job now ends in 2 months and 8 days and I have to figure out my life before that. Do I get another job? How? Where? Doing what? Where do I live? How can I even afford somewhere to live with this $587 I’m making every since my check was decreased by $200 starting in January due to debt collection. My bills? $446 dollars a month including business personal, and debt in that order. I swear this business better recoup all that and so much more cause at this point… My savings is in shambles because every time I try there’s a business thing or I need food to live/cope or I deserve to treat myself right for how hard to work to even have this money in the first place like there’s no way I’m just paying bills.
And don’t get me started on relationships or the lack thereof. Why has this due been being weird to me for *does math* 8 years now. Damn I didn’t know we’d known each other that long but it’s the cycle of pulling away and coming back because I’m bored, I’m stressed, and that’s all I know? Questions of do I have self esteem? Do I love myself? Is it/was it ever real or am I just delusional? I swear I always get the blame and that’s whack to me. Like nobody sees what he does to me. Then there’s Poems About Me / Songs About You, 11 years in the making. 11 years since I first loved and maybe that’s all delusion too. All of this energy spent and so much going on that it’s never felt like there’s any room for me in my own life.
I guess this is just a vent session because all of my other great ideas of what to post are gone out the window. To be honest I just got 30 minutes while I’m waiting for my second load of clothes to dry and then I can put in my last one. 34 seconds actually. Never mind I’m back now. I think it’s just stress and exhaustion.
The same stress that appears multiple times a year but is this just my fate for being a black woman? I know the answer. I’ve always known the answer. Time, space, solitude, freedom. Every year, multiple times I year I hope I’m working up to that. Because I know I’m not a normal girl. I know that even at 31 years old I’m not grown and I’m not a woman. Technically yes, I’m both in reality but in my soul? I’m more like 13. Still scared, still lost, still hiding, and waiting, and in the midst suffocating. I know it’s my fault I’ve made all the wrong choices I know but that’s also what this business and this book are for. My chance to get it right so that I can grow. And give myself everything I ever needed so I can manifest being whole. Plain sadness or depression? Will the world ever know? I know though I’m not normal. I just function as best as I can until my cracks start to show and I crash out in ways I can’t control. This truth once again as so many times before brings tears to my eyes and pain to my soul. Triggered by so many things right now, and like 99% of variables outside of my control. All I can do is hope and pray to find the strength and space to pray and keep doing the 2 good things in my life that I’m placing so much faith on. And I’ll see where it takes me. That’s all I got. That’s all I know.